Rated: PG-13, a little language and little sex stuff (not that bad)

Summary: John makes it back to Earth

Legal stuff: Farscape isn't mine, it belongs to the SCI-FI channel, they
can use this story if they want, don't copy this story, or I will have
to hunt you down and make you bleed

For Whom The Credits Toll
By: Cyclone Jack

Farscape 1 screamed through the sharp arc as Crichton desperately
tried to dodge the two pursing prowlers. Behind him he could hear
Zhaan chanting a prayer. "Zhaan say one for me while you're at it,"
John jokingly asked. He veered left barely dodging strafing fire from
one of the prowlers.

Over the radio Aeryn came on. "John, Crais has found us, we have to
starburst now, there are four marauders on intercept with us."
Crichton looked at his scanners. He saw twelve prowlers, eight
marauders and a command carrier approaching fast.

"Crichton, solar flare activity is increasing rapidly, if we don't leave
soon we won't have to worry about Crais. We will have died from
radiation poisoning," observed a now very worried Zhaan as she studied
the readout.

"Radiation, that's it!" shouted Crichton excitedly as he began to
calculate for a maneuver. "Aeryn, we have only one chance, you have to
starburst without us, I'm going to go for my wormhole maneuver."

D'Argo was now shouting over the radio. "Are you mad human, we may not
be able to find you again if you do that."

Crichton shook his head, "No choice big guy, it's this or be captured,
Aeryn.... see you on the other side." Crichton flipped off the radio
and gripped the controls harder as Farscape 1 jerked upward into the
spiral maneuver. A massive blue flash blinded him for a second and
then he saw the opening mouth of the wormhole. "Zhaan hold on, this is
going to be very rough." As he finished his warning, the force of the
wormhole slammed his head against an overhead console. The shuttle
spun about the wormhole as it was hurdled thought the swirling mass of
lights. Suddenly the COM panel exploded and several pieces of metal
hit him in the head. The last thing he felt as everything went dark
was Zhaan shaking him.

"Oh goddesses, John wake up, John wake up!" Zhaan was now frantic to
get John awake. They had exited the wormhole and where now hurdling
out of control toward a looming blue green world. Suddenly, a red
began to flash on her left side. She reached over slowly and pressed
the flashing button.

The screen next to the button came alive and a Sebacean face appeared.
"Farscape 1 do you copy I repeat Far....Oh my god, Frank look at this,
Zhaan involuntary moved back from the screen, "Frank, that doesn't sound
like any Peace Keeper name I have ever heard before." she thought to
Another Sebacean appeared on the screen and began to wave his arms and
shout incoherently.

"That is definitely not Sebacean behavior, but more like..." Zhaan
leaned forward and began to violently shake John. "John wake up now, I
think we're approaching Earth!" John slummed forward and mumbled
something about Aeryn. Zhaan turned toward the screen again "Here goes
nothing she thought." "Greetings I am Pa'U Zota Zhaan."

(Shuttle Discovery)

"Ura 'Ka Pauua Zotaai Zhaan."

The astronauts stared at their screen in shock and mind numbing
excitement. "What did it just say?" asked Frank excitedly.

"Who cares, get Kennedy on the line and pipe it through to them,"
shouted Creg. Frank floated back toward the COM station. Over the
speaker a controller was practically shouting, "Repeat last message
Shuttle, what have you sighted, repeat last message Shuttle." Frank
grabbed the mic and to babble out everything he saw at once. "Farscape
and blue alien and it spoke and and and it spoke and I was." The
controller broke in on Frank's explanation. "Did you just say you say
Farscape 1 and there was an alien on board it?" asked in a now swallow
voiced controller.
"YES!" shout Frank.

(Farcape 1)
John opened his eyes and saw the United States looming extremely
close. "Damn, another dream," he moaned.

Upon hearing John waking up, Zhaan began to violently shake John's
DO SOMETHING," shouted Zhaan.

"Holy shit, this isn't a dream!" shouted John, who was now shaking with
joy. "I made back, I.... damn, we're going to enter too steep at this
angle. Crichton shook off the last of his drowsiness and his hands
began to dance across the controls. Farscape 1 began to descend into
the atmosphere. "We have a problem Zhaan, I have can't get the
auto-reenter system on-line, I'm have to do this manually." Zhaan
began to pray again and prayed almost as hard as when the Peace Keepers
had first captured her. They were descending through white clouds very
rapidly. Crichton kept swearing at the controls, which only made Zhaan
pray that much harder. "Zhaan, this is going to be a very rough
landing, but they say a land you survive is always a good landing,

Zhaan froze in mid prayer when she heard him say that. "John, do you
know where we are going to land?" she asked with gathering dread.

"Sure, there." John waved his hand toward the rapidly approaching
surface of the planet. "Hold on Zhaan, I'm going to have to land her
in a forest, its too dangerous to land near any buildings, cement
doesn't give like trees do." Zhaan was now gripping the back of John's
seat so hard, her knuckles were white. Lush green plants rushed past
them as they descended closer and closer to the ground. The first of
the trees nicked the bottom of Farscape, causing Farscape to jerk to the
side and down. "Hold on, I'm hitting the chute!" Then John reached
over and flipped a switch by Zhaan knee. Suddenly, the shuttle jerked
backwards and down. Zhaan's head slammed into the back on John's as
they hit a tree and she began to feel a sliding sensation as blackness
descended upon her.

Zhaan woke up a time later, outside the shuttle staring up at four
young Peacekeepers. Her instincts kicked in and she lashed out with
her knees, striking two of them in the hip. The other two jumped back
and put their hands over their heads. Her memory of the shuttle and
the crash came back to her and she immediately apologized. "I
apologize, I mistaken you for another." The adolescents of John's race
blinked at her and exchanged dazed and confused looks. "Dren, they
don't haze translator microbes." Zhaan turned and looked back toward
the shuttle and saw John laid out on the grass unconscious. She ran
over to him and kneed next to him. She examined him briefly. "Well
at least it is just a concussion and a broken arm," she thought to

One of the adolescences approached her slowly and extended a pipe, which
had smoking incense in it. "Peace pipe." The boy said. Zhaan took
the pipe and sniffed the smoke. It had a sweet scent. Zhaan then
inhaled from the pipe and held her breath for a moment, then exhaled.
The incense tasted very pleasant and was not harsh on the lungs. She
handed it back to the youth who inhaled some; he past it around to the
others and it finally came back to her. "Again, ya have'ta man."

Zhaan paused a moment, all four youths were acting very strangely, they
kept on laughing and smiling. "Well if they are anything like John, my
microbes might just short out with in the weeken." She inhaled from
the pipe again and suddenly she felt a huge wave of euphoria. She
dropped the pipe and backpedaled. All four of the youths began to
laugh uncontrollably. "This feels like the third stage of
Gr'UFF'laagha." She thought to herself. "If this triggers the
gr''uff'laaga, then this will wonderful for deep meditation." The
youths looked at her again in that dazed, confused look when she spoke
again. Behind her, John began to stir. Zhaan dropped to her knees
shakily, "This is going to be rather hard healing John while in the
gr'uff." She reflected in her mind.

"Zhaan, wha...what happened, where...Zhaan you smell funny,
like...marijuana!!!" Zhaan looked at John and couldn't help but
giggle, the Gr'uff had taken hold and she couldn't help herself.

"John are you alright, lay still you have...(giggle, giggle, giggle) a
concussion and a broken arm." John winced in pain as he moved his
right arm.

"Yeah tell me ab...Zhaan you're stoned!" John said with a laugh. Zhaan
broke out into a giggling fit when John laughed.

Four teenagers walked up and shove a pipe into his good hand. "Peace
Pipe man."

John shook his head and tossed the kid back the pipe. "You just got
the first alien to visit Earth stoned, I can't belive... ow, damn
concussion." As John was talking to the kids, six choppers appeared on
the horizon. "Well guys, the fun is about to begin."

(Next day, University of Virginia Hospital room)

Two dozen reporters, crammed into a hospital room that was build to
hold eight people, were waiting for John Crichton to do a press
conference. Microphones were hanging from the ceiling over John's bed
and several TV cameramen were right up in his face with their lens.
John sat upright in his hospital bed, drinking beer and eating pork
rines, much to the dismay of his doctors.

One of the cameramen counted off for John. "Mr. Crichton, you're on in
5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and...."

John cleared his throat. "Good morning, I am NASA astronaut John
Crichton and many of you already know, I have returned to Earth after
leaving over two years ago." John paused to stop from cracking up; he
saw the reporters hanging off of every word he said. "For the two
years I have been traveling with a group of aliens aboard an escaped
prison ship." Many of the reporters gasped at the mention of an
escaped prison ship. John continued, "My friends and I have been

wandering through the 'Uncharted Territories,' that is what our region
of space is called. We have been searching for our collective way back
home." Several reporters raised their hands for questions and were
shushed by several other reporters who wanted to hear more. "We have
had many insane, psychotic things happen to us and I can't get into
details due to time constrains and some security concerns. One major
fact I can give is that I may not be able to stay on Earth for too
long." The room collectively gasped and immediately began to shout out
questions. "Wait, hold up I was going to explain, hold on." The
reporters quieted down and waited for John to continue.

"This is going to be complicated so I'll simplify it for now. I was
executing a maneuver that is still classified so I can't talk about
it. Suffice to say I was shot through a wormhole, or a tunnel in space
where you travel outside the laws of time and space. Anyway, I emerged
on the other side of the wormhole in the middle of a prison break. My
ship collided accidentally with a prowler, prowlers are like X-wing
fighters in Star Wars but even better." John paused for dramatic
effect; he could see the look of strain and extreme curiosity on the
reporters' faces. "This is where it gets weird. One of the dominant
species in space is a race called Sebaceans. They are almost identical
to humans physically. The main differences between us are they are
generally stronger than us, but they cannot tolerate heat like we
can." The reporters in the room as well as the cameramen stared in awe
at him. "Now the Sebacean government is entirely based around the
military. The rest of the alien races call them Peace Keepers or
PKs. The reason for this is because the Sebacian government is the
'Peace Keeping Freehold.' They are basically one massive mercenary
race that are hired muscle for anyone who can pay." The room was dead
silent; they were hanging off every word he was saying. "Anyway, I
collided with the prowler the that belonged to the brother of the PK
captain of a 'Command Carrier,' they are one of the last ships you want
to run into. Like I was saying, the prowler hit my ship then exploded
from damage suffered from our collision, ever since then the pilot's
brother, Bilar Crais, has sworn to have me killed and has bounty hunters
after me." The flood of questions hit John and there was nowhere John
could hid form them.

(A year and a half later, Hawaii)

John Crichton sat in his beach chair on the deserted beach drinking his
beer and reading his best-selling book. Well, not completely alone,
Zhaan sat next to him, gazing out across the Pacific Ocean. "And you
say that millions of humans have bought your book in just two weekens?"

John smiled at Zhaan's amazement. "No, hundreds of millions, my book
sold in one hour across the entire US, and England. I've set a sales
record that probable will never be beaten."

Zhaan was still amazed. "Humans are so... curious, you have told them
about your travels for the past cycle and they still rush out and buy
this book like they don't know what happens."

John smiled, "Yes, but I never talked about my personal reflections and
the thoughts that were going through my head at the time of the events,
there is a difference."

Zhaan simply shook her head. "Your 'internet' still disturbs me, who
would create a pick of me having sex with you and then send it to
millions of people?"

John suppressed a smile, he had remembered Zhaan's shock and anger that
someone would violate her privacy and slander her like that and not be
punished. "Zhaan, its like I've told you before, in the US, you can do
just about anything that doesn't physically endanger someone or
something, it's that freedom that makes us so great. You don't see any
military patrolling the streets or police dragging people from their
homes because they badmouthed the government. It's that freedom that
has let America prosper even during bad times."

Zhaan accepted John's answer, she would never quite understand how John
or anyone else would justify such things, "But then again, they are
human." she thought to herself.

"Zhaan, you might want to take a look at this," said John as he handed
Zhaan his 'laptop'. On the screen a picture of herself and John, and
close proximities of D'Argo, Chianti and Aeryn appeared. In the
background of the picture, what looked like a hallway on Moya back
dropped the group picture of them.

"John what is this, why are these people dressed like us?" Asked
Zhaan, a little nervous.

John was now smiling from ear to ear. "Fox, the TV channel, is making
a TV show out of our adventures, and I'm the head script writer and they
also want to hire you as an consultant for the show."

Zhaan couldn't stop from laughing, "This is too much, even for humans."
Blurted out Zhaan uncontrollably.

"Why, what's wrong?" asked John perplexed.

"This Fox, wants to make a drama out of our lives and show it to the
rest of population of the planet?" replied Zhaan.

"Well yeah, not like it's any wilder than that meditation tape that
you're planning, besides we can make serious money off of the stuff the
happened to us." replied John.

(Fox Studios, LA, two months later)

Zhaan sat in an air-conditioned room, shaking her head. "I did not
say that to D'Argo"

John was exhausted, he had been arguing with Zhaan over the dialogue for
hours. "It doesn't matter, you practically said it, it's just more
dramatic that's all."

Zhaan still shook her head. "I do not see why we should do an episode
about Namtar and his experiment on Aeryn, besides, I find it
inappropriate that we do this show with out D'Argo's or Aeryn's

John laughed at Zhaan's last statement. "Oh, so the show wasn't
inappropriate when you took that check from FOX, right? Besides, if I
wrote that kissing scene with me and Aeryn in the Flax, then the least
you can do is admit you goes went a little crazy over that map and let
me write it up." shot back John. "Besides, Aeryn and the others won't

(Moya, six weeks later, near Mars)

"This is system matches Crichton's description of his home system and
there is a primitive space flight civilization on the third planet,"
reported Pilot. Aeryn studied the layout of the third planet, it look
identical to the planet she saw during the trip to the false Earth.
"Moya is detecting a broadcast signal coming from the third planet, I am
patching it through now," said Pilot.

On the main viewer, two people who looked like John and Aeryn were
kissing in what appeared to be one of Moya's transport pods. "What in
hezmana is," before Aeryn could finish what she was saying, the scene
changed and Crais appeared.

"You are watching Farscape, on Fox 11."

D'Argo, Aeryn, and Rygel and Pilot stared at Crais in shock.

The screen changed again and a male in strange cloths behind a desk
appeared. "Good evening, I'm John Brown with Fox 11 news. After
Farscape, we'll have an interview with the director and head
scriptwriter for Farscape, John Crichton. Also we'll have highlights
of Pa'u Zhaan's visit to India and Tibet, see you at 10."

Aeryn looked at the screen for a moment, "I'll kill him." D'Argo
simply nodded his head in agreement with Aeryn.

(Moya, orbiting Earth six hours later)

"Unidentified leviathan, identify yourself or you will be fired on."
ordered a nervous looking human.

"This is the leviathan Moya, you will patch us through to the human
Crichton!" demanded D'Argo.

The human glanced off screen for a second. The human looked back and
D'Argo could see the fear in the human's eyes, "Mr. D'Argo, you will not
deviate from you present orbit, Space Control will communicate with you
shortly, NORAD out."

D'Argo and Aeryn stared at the screen it shock. "That worm actually
thinks we're going to listen to them, Pilot, ready a transport pod."

While D'Argo barked his order at Pilot, Chiana sauntered over to the
main screen, "I can't wait to say hello to John after all this time."

Aeryn looked up from the scanner station and shot her an incinerating
look. "You will not be saying anything to anyone for the time being,
D'Argo and I will be the only ones going to the surface."

Rygel's eyebrows shot up at this. "Are you mad?" shouted Rygel. "I'll
make a killing off these creatures if they're anything like Crichton."

D'Argo walked over to the Hynerian, "That is way you two are stay
aboard." Rygel's whiskers bristled at this and he turned his chair and
coasted out of Command.

(Farscape set, Crichton is waiting to start shooting)

"Okay people, has anyone see Claudia or Anthony, we have to start
soon." As various cameramen set up cameras, Claudia and Anthony walked
onto the set and headed straight for John. "There you guys are,
Claudia, we're doing the gammack base episode, you need to be wearing an
officer's uniform."

Anthony (dressed as D'Argo) grabs John by his shirt and lifted him off
the ground.

"What the hell is wrong will you Anthony, put me down!" shouted a
surprised John.

Claudia (dressed as Aeryn) waves toward the set of the hanger bay.
"What is this, what is going on Crichton?"

John struggles in Anthony's grip when he realizes, "What a minute,
Anthony can't hold me up this long," thought John to himself.

Aeryn pulled out a ring on a chain from her vest. "Remember this?"
asked Aeryn.

Realization slaps John in the face; he never included the ring his Dad
had given him in the story. "Oh shit," was all he could muster.

D'Argo lifts John up even further. "What is the meaning of this," as
D'Argo shouted at John, he pointed toward the set.

"Hi guys...uh...long time no see," was all John think to say.

(John's Miami Beach house, six hours later)

Aeryn lay on the lay on the waterbed, giggling. "I want another one."

John could not believe his eyes or ears. Besides the fact that Aeryn
had managed to find him and Zhaan was amazing in itself, but the amount
of tequila she had consumed shocked him. "Aeryn, you already had 3/4
of a bottle, give it a rest will ya?" Aeryn stood up and staggered
over to where John stood by the sliding glass door. John wrapped his
arms Aeryn to make sure she didn't fall.

Aeryn looked up into John's eyes. "I've missed you so much, I was
beginning to fear I would never see you again."

John looked down into Aeryn's glazed eyes and smiled, "And Zhaan, you
forgot to say you missed seeing her too."

Aeryn smiled at him and squeezed his chest. "No, I wanted to see you,
where's that bottle?" Aeryn replied, turning her head to look for the
bottle of tequila.

John guided Aeryn away from the bottle on the dresser and back toward
the bed. "Aeryn, there something I need to tell you." John stopped for
a second to clear his throat. "You see Aeryn while you gone I...that
is to say...two years is a long time and I sort got...married."

Instantly Aeryn's hands dug into his shoulders. "WHAT, ALL THAT PAIN
tightened her grip.

"Ow, god Aeryn I joking Aeryn, I'M JOKING LET GO!" shouted John as
Aeryn's fingers dug into his skin.

"What, you're...you're joking, WHY WOULD YOU JOKE ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
I LO......I love you." John didn't have time to react; Aeryn's mouth
was all over his in a matter of seconds. They kissed for several
moments till John broke away for air. "I guess you really did miss

Aeryn pushed John onto the bed and smiled predatorily. "Not nearly as
much as you thing," Aeryn then started pull John's shirt up.

Suddenly, someone pounded on John's front door loudly. John looked
toward the hallway, but turned back to Aeryn when she started tugging on
his belt. "Aeryn, someone's at the door," John then tried to get up,
but Aeryn pushed him back down.

"I've waited two cycles, they can wait 12 arns," replied Aeryn. John
was taken off guard by her sudden boldness with intimacy.

"12 arns, damn I guess I'm in for a good time," John thought to himself.
He then turned his full attention to removing Aeryn's tank top.